What does Nonviolence mean to you?

We opened our first class of Communication From the Inside Out with this question. As we delved into the exploration of Violence and Nonviolence we discovered that violence and the roots of violence is far more complex and complicated than we ever would have imagined.

Recognizing violence in all of it’s forms

Most people think of violence as physical harm, brutality and the like, in which most of us don’t actively participate, so when someone hears of Nonviolent Communication for the first time, I often hear jokes about how they are so violent with their communication, not recognizing that violence can actually take on many forms, including in the ways we interact and communicate with each other.

Arun Gandhi, Grandson of Mahatma Gandhi learned from his Grandfather to recognize not just the active forms of violence where physical force is used, but also to recognize the more passive forms of violence which

” …grandfather described as being more insidious than physical violence. He then explained that passive violence ultimately generated anger in the victim, who as an individual or a member of a collective responded violently. In other words, it is passive violence that fuels the fire of physical violence. “

The Nonviolence in Nonviolent Communication

Over the many years that I have been exploring and studying Nonviolent Communication I have come to my own understanding of why this form, practice and consciousness is called Nonviolent Communication. What I have come to is this:

Any time we attempt to meet our needs at the expense of others, or to get someone to do something they don’t want to do, we are employing some form of coercion or force. Any time we use force to meet our needs, it is at the expense of someone else’s. When we meet our needs at the expense of someone else’s we are planting seeds of dis-empowerment and oppression which generate anger and eventually violence.

With Nonviolent Communication, the focus and desire is to be in relationship with others in such a way that we share power and look for ways in which everyone’s needs can be met.

Forms of communication that could contribute to violence

Let’s explore some of the ways our communication might perpetrate or plant seeds for violence and how we might communicate in ways that could cultivate nonviolence.

Here are some forms of communication we came up with that we saw as potentially contributing to violence:

  • Discounting and discrediting
  • Telling someone they are wrong for their experience
  • Name calling, labeling and judging
  • Threatening, “If you don’t….. I’ll…”
  • Preaching, Moralizing or Educating without permission
  • Ignoring
  • Saying one thing but doing another
  • Blaming or Shaming
  • Any ways that we dehumanize the other person, or judge them as bad or wrong

What others can you think of? I’m sure there’s much much more…

Can you connect with how it might feel to receive these forms of communication? Can you identify where you also might communicate in some of these ways? Can you see how such forms of communication could contribute to anger and eventual violence for one who systematically experiences these forms of communication and seldom has an experience of being heard?

Making a shift

So what does it take to shift and to communicate in ways that support connection, in which people are likely to feel heard and that their needs matter? This is the work and exploration of Nonviolent Communication as created by Marshall Rosenberg. Our current often “violent’ ways of communicating come from generations of conditioning so to learn something new, to learn truly Nonviolent Communication is also a continual process and discovery that is ever evolving.  A first step is to open our eyes and to become aware of how we are communicating and what communication opens up connection and dialog and what shuts it down. To recognize when we are using some form of coercion or force to meet our needs.

This might seem obvious that using coercion or force in our peer-to-peer relationships has high cost and negative consequences. This is equally true and perhaps more imperative- if we really want to support nonviolence- in relationships that have inherent or created inequality.

Shifting how we relate with our children

wagon1For me, because I am oriented this way, and because I think it’s a huge blind spot, one of the biggest changes we can make is in relationships to children. It is very easy, both because of our size, experience and status as well as our cultural conditioning, to use coercion and force to meet needs with children. It’s become so normalized that we don’t even think about it and yet, without thinking about it, we are creating conditions for violence in our children through consistent dis-empowerment and excursion of our power over them.  It might not be expressed right away, it might get internalized, but the constant force and coercion that does not truly take children and their needs into consideration has it’s effects. This is not to say that no parent should ever make a unilateral decision, but that we must start to become aware of all of the ways we use force and exert power over our children rather that explor possibilities in which everyone’s needs can be met.

Some tips and tools for sharing power and moving toward truly Nonviolent Communication:

  • Begin to notice where in your life you are meeting your needs at the expense of others. Notice where you are using some form of manipulation, coercion or force to meet your needs.
  • Listen. Make connection and understanding rather than being right your goal
  • Pay attention to how people communicate with you and the effects it has on you
  • Notice how you communicate with others and if it is having the effect that you intend
  • Take a class, read a book, or join a group practicing and exploring the language, consciousness and practice of Nonviolent Communication

There are a vast number of resources and options for learning more about Nonviolent Communication. Here are just a few that I personally recommend:

  • Use the tags on this blog to explore what else I have written about Nonviolent Communication

I also recommend the following NVC books:

  • Raising Children Compassionately By Marshall Rosenberg
  • Nonviolent Communication By Marshall Rosenberg
  • Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids By Sura Hart and and Victoria Kindle Hodson
  • Parenting from your Heart by Imbal Kashtan

You can find many books and other resources  and trainings also at www.cnvc.org

Please share comments, thoughts, experiences and reflections below!