Try this exercise:
Notice a sentence in which you use the word feel.
Now say the same sentence again, without using the word feel.
When you take out the word feel, are you actually expressing a feeling or are you expressing an opinion or interpretation?…
Example: “I feel excited.” Take out feel and it translates to “I’m excited.”
“I feel welcomed.” Take out feel and you have “I’m welcomed”.
Which actually expresses a feeling, an emotion?…
If you are welcomed, how do you feel?
Perhaps you’d feel one way about being welcomed in one situation and have a different feeling about it in another situation or at a different time.
Let’s try another one.
I feel invisible –> I’m invisible.
How many of us would love to have the super power of invisibility? We’d probably feel super excited to be invisible sometimes…
Usually though when we make such a statement as “I feel invisible” the way we feel is something quite different.
So what’s the value in this? The distinctions might seem subtle, but they can also be powerful.
When we connect with how we are really feeling about something we are staying with our own experience rather than our interpretation or conclusion about what others are doing. When we stay with our own experience, we are keeping the power with us. When we don’t do this and express an interpretation disguised as a feeling we risk others hearing what we are saying as judgement or accusation.
Example:If you say “I feel ignored” there’s a pretty good chance that what others will hear in that is that you think they are ignoring you, and you’re probably not going to get the kind of attention and connection you would really like.
Perhaps if you expressed that you’re feeling sad because you would really like more connection, you’ll have a different kind of reception. Plus, sometimes we prefer not to be noticed and can feel relieved that someone was “ignoring” us, where as other times we might feel hurt or frustrated.
Notice when you use the word feel and what comes after it… how often are you actually expressing a feeling? How often are you expressing an opinion, an interpretation or a thought?
Chances are, if Like, That, As, A name or a pronoun follow the word feeling you’re not expressing a feeling at all and are expressing a thought, opinion or judgement.
Feelings are the river of life that moves through us. The more we can connect to what we’re actually FEELING the more access we have to life, to be moved, touched, connected, and engaged with life as it moves through us. When we put judgement and interpretation in the place of feeling we are disconnecting and removing ourselves slightly from that river.
Try these exercises out…. see what you notice, see if these subtle distinctions also starts to shift your awareness and to connect you in a different sort of way both to your own experience and to how you relate to others.
Thank you! I’m trying to share NVC and I really enjoyed your explanation. It makes the concepts sound easy. I think people will welcome the ideas expressed this way. 🙂
Yay, so glad it contributed to you!