Empathic Women in Relationships: Four Questions to Ask Yourself

(That can improve your mental health and happiness and move you in the direction of having better relationships)

  1.  How loved do you feel? How much does he actually love you?

    You “Love him so much” but how much are you loving you, how much is he loving you?

    I have heard so many women say this phase (myself included!):  “but I love him so much”. Yes, ok, you love him so much, but does he actually love you? How loved do you feel? How much are you trying to prove the worthiness of your love and how much are you actually loving you? You are great at loving. You could love a rock. And yet, I know for myself- and I’ve seen with other women- this “I love him so much” can keep us from being aware of a whole lot of dynamics, patterns and ways of engagement that don’t actually work for us. They keep us distracted from loving ourselves or actually receiving love.

  1. Do you actually include YOU in the equation of your relationships or do you just make space for and accommodate everyone else?

    If you’re like me- or at least who I used to be- you’re so busy accommodating everyone else and making them happy that you pretty much eliminate you from the equation. What would your relationships look like if you actually gave yourself the consideration and accommodation you give to everyone else? What would your relationships look like if you put YOU back into the equation of your life?

  1. If you stopped focusing on taking care of him and “loving” him, would you have a relationship?

    I mean, be honest. How much energy are you investing into not losing this relationship and keeping it going? What would happen if you stopped trying so hard and just allowed yourself and the relationship to be? What would happen if you actually allowed yourself to receive? If you stop giving all the time  or trying to hold the relationship together and make it work and you don’t have a relationship anymore, be grateful. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is actually willing to contribute to you and show up for you?

  2. If you were choosing what worked for you and made you happy without stopping to consider everyone else, what would you be choosing?

    Chances are it would look a bit different than what you’re choosing now. If you’ve based your whole life on accommodating other people and other people’s needs, then this question might seem baffling to you. You might have no idea what you would choose, or the thought of not considering everyone else all the time might feel like you would die. I’m serious. If you’ve spent your whole life taking care of other people so that you can feel safe or ok, then doing something that isn’t about making other people happy can feel life-threatening. But here’s the good news. You’ll actually survive.

I know it seems scary to stop the compulsion of giving, to stop trying to accommodate and take care of everyone else, but what if you could put the focus back on you? What if you focused on honoring, nurturing and loving yourself? This doesn’t mean don’t have relationships or that you have to love yourself first, it means be with others and in relationship in ways that also considers, includes and nourishes you. Only choose something if it also feels good to you or works for you. Contrary to popular belief, this is not selfish. When you do what works for you and actually take care of you it is a contribution to everyone else. Others don’t feel somehow responsible for you, your happiness and well-being. When you are taking care of you, you’ll be happier, and others will be happier to be around you. You’ll actually have more to contribute to others, not less. Maybe a little “selfishness”  is actually in order.

For more on this topic, pick up your free copy of my book “Finding Your Own Happy” at www.findingyourownhappybook.com