Subconscious Family Patterning
Have you ever noticed that family relationships can be some of the most challenging?
This is often because there is a lifetime of history we are bringing into each interaction, history that often includes painful experiences of not having our needs met from people who we have an evolutionary expectation to meet them… history that often includes struggles for power in one way or another, struggles to meet those needs, or get the people we expect to meet them to act in accordance with our expectations.
By adulthood the level of subconscious patterns and dynamics present within most families is striking. You wonder why that comment from uncle Joe feels so painful or why you have so little patience for your mother’s concerns, why in certain family situations some part of you goes right back to being five years old again.
So many dynamics, patterns and roles have been put into place from our very earliest existence to the point that without even realizing it we are easily pulled back into them. Many of the patterns have become entirely subconscious, put in place at a particular time as an effective strategy to help us cope with life but have since become outdated.
One example I often give is the following:
At age five you came to the conclusion that it’s not safe to speak your opinion. Maybe in your family there were unpleasant or dangerous consequences, or maybe people laughed at you, so it was a reasonable conclusion at that time.
Based on that conclusion you also decided that in order to stay safe, you’d just keep your opinions to yourself. This is a strategy that may have worked well for you when you were five. You wrote it into your subconscious and then forgot about it. Fast-forward to adulthood and you wonder why it’s so difficult to share your opinions, particularly with your family. That subconscious pattern is still operating and probably most strongly within your family. These subconscious patterns also play out elsewhere in our lives effecting the kinds of relationships and engagements with the world that we have.
This subconscious belief identification and transformation forms the core of my work and I have seen and experienced how hugely liberating transforming these subconscious beliefs and patterns can be both for myself and my clients.
How to break subconscious family dynamics and patterning?
The first step really is awareness-knowing that something is triggered or that you have lost connection with your present-day conscious and aware self.
Am I functioning from my present-day knowledge and awareness or am I triggered or relating to something from the past?
Is this about what it appears to be about or is it about something else?
What are the old pains, wounds or hurts that I am carrying? What would I need to let them go? What would I need to heal them?
The next step is to find your way back to self-awareness and present-reality connection. From there you’ll have more space and choice about how YOU want to show up, what works for YOU and what kind of engagement, energy or relationship you participate in.
What do I need to do to come back to a centered self-connected place?
What am I really needing or wanting here?
How can I take care of myself in this situation?
And then to explore the situation a little more deeply to understand what does or doesn’t work for you or how you would like to engage.
What am I wanting, what needs am I trying to meet from this relationship or the way I am engaging?Is it working?
How am I engaging, how would I like to be engaging?
What works for me?
What would I like to change?
Am I having the kind of relationship with this person that I enjoy and that actually works for me?
If these people weren’t my parents, sister, brother, etc what kind of relationship would I want to or enjoy having with them if any?
If you’re feeling really stuck and not able to find the awareness or make the the kinds of shifts you would like on your own, I highly recommend getting support from someone who can help you identify and transform the subconscious patterning. It will help you experience greater ease and freedom in all of your relating. Sign up for a FREE breakthrough call with me and I’ll help you discover what’s at the heart of your challenges and what it will take to truly change them.
Please share comments, thoughts, experiences and reflections below. If this provides inspiration, insight or food for thought, then share it with your friends so they can engage with these ideas too.
Hi Elana,
I’m so happy to see that you are continuing to offer your wisdom in several different formats. I enjoyed reading this blog re: challenges with family relationships. It’s a difficult area and people definitely need support, guidance and empathy with this.
As I said before, I’m not able often to read your blog, but when I do, I’m always delighted at your offerings. Thanks, Elana, for your passion, compassion and service!
Love, Karen Fogliatti
Namaste, Elana. I am glad to be guided to discover your blog again, for it offers an impressive gathering of resources and when my computer is back, I intend to look through the links for anchors to understanding and points of reflection.
To have the person check in with themselves so they can situate themselves in the present moment reality is really key as you point out so clearly….If we did nothing else than this, it would be a huge step towards peace and empowerment. Just arriving in the present provides immediate perspective and we are far better able to make choices about how to care for ourselves and respond to our own needs. So many blessings, Shen