Love and Not Love I recently saw a post on facebook about a study showing that spanking is harmful even if the parent has a warm and loving relationship with the child. Wow, ok, so this really set some wheels spinning for me... Inflicting physical harm or pain on other human beings is considered violence, aggression, assault or abuse. Nowhere else in our culture do we sanction inflicting physical pain/harm on another human being, not even on violent [...]
Learn to trust your YES and your NO Do you remember what it was like to be five years old? To trust yourself and to clearly know what you did and didn’t want?… To go for what you wanted without hesitation?… To freely share your love and your joy and your aliveness with the world? So what happened to that? What happened to your confidence in knowing what you do or don't want and what's true for you? [...]
You can't make me... I spend a fair amount of time with children. Actually, being with and relating to children is one of those special gifts I have. It started when I was just a kid and I guess I just never stopped playing, being with and relating to children. Through my experience I've developed a unique perspective that's part of what I'm here to share with the world. One theme that has been arising recently is the [...]
What does Nonviolence mean to you? We opened our first class of Communication From the Inside Out with this question. As we delved into the exploration of Violence and Nonviolence we discovered that violence and the roots of violence is far more complex and complicated than we ever would have imagined. Recognizing violence in all of it's forms Most people think of violence as physical harm, brutality and the like, in which most of us don't actively participate, [...]
Social Structure Social structure constantly shapes and directs our lives. For most of us, it is not something that we pay much attention to or that we are consciously aware of. The following experience and insight from living on a family homestead and community with kids and parents living and working in the same space together, helped me to see how social structure might be an important element in design and of increasing kids’ autonomy: My experience of [...]
One of the worst things about arbitrary authority is it makes us lose our trust in natural authority- people who know what they are doing and could share a lot of wisdom with us. When they make you obey the cruel and unreasonable [authority] they steal your desire to learn from [or listen to] the kind and reasonable [authority]” (Grace Llewellyn, The Teenage Liberation Handbook.) If we truly take the time to listen and be present with our [...]
Listening for What Kids Really Need So how do we really listen to what kids are needing, not just at the surface but at the deeper levels of their being? If, as Marshall Rosenberg and Compassionate Communication (NVC) assert, human behavior is really an expression of met or un-met needs and all anyone is ever doing is trying to meet their needs, what is a person's behavior really saying and communicating? I am seeking to understand kids’ behavior [...]
Shifting Priorities Not only being in kids’ lives, but fostering a certain quality of relationship is very important. If we want to make a real difference in kids’ lives, then not only our presence, but the quality of that presence can be extremely important. How do we make a cultural shift to the point where taking care of children and giving them full attention, the quality of our presence in their lives, is just as important as anything [...]
Most parents want their children to grow up to be considerate of others and to be contributing members of society and their community but, so often, parents attempt to achieve this end through methods of manipulation and coercion. Such methods not only fail to cultivate in the child the desired feeling of care or compassion, but have other detrimental and perhaps opposite affects on the child. While we can sometimes get people to change their actions through such [...]
Power Over? Living in the Old Paradigm, we have come to use manipulation, coercion and force to get children to do our bidding. The Old Paradigm, works on a system of punishment and rewards, of absolutes, of “good” and “bad”. We fail to recognize that children have their own needs and interests separable from adults, that they are people in their own right, and are not solely to be acted upon. Not only is such behavior undemocratic, life-diminishing, [...]
I have come to believe that the current social construction of childhood puts children in a position of subordination to adult authority in ways that are both oppressive and limiting. It teaches fear of and obedience to external authority rather than fostering freedom and promoting the capacity for independent thinking, mutual respect and self-responsibility. Given this, how can we construct childhood in a way that is not controlling or oppressive; that gives children power over their own lives; [...]